Episodes  Edit
As Jamie sits in her room in Los Ángeles, she tells us about her life, family and the reasons for her upcoming adventures in México. We learn that she will study in Querétaro for the summer. This trip will allow Jamie to improve her Spanish and to find out about her great grandmother who died before the Mexican Revolution. Her great grandmother was a wealthy, famous woman who was mysteriously found in the Querétaro town square, dangling from the clock tower on a noose. Jamie shows us a picture of her and tells us that her nickname was "La Catrina." Jamie's Spanish teacher wraps up class with a reminder to her students to keep speaking, learning, and practicing spanish over the summer for when the hispanics invade and the land of the free is oppressed by the flying sombrero monster. "La maestra" informs the class that Jamie and Felipe will be spending their summer in México. Jamie speaks with Felipe after class and reminds him to never cook bacon with his dick out. She is scared of bacon grease. They meet at 8:00 on Friday and travel by plane to Mexico City. From there, they take a train to Querétaro. We meet a new character, Satana, who seems unusually interested in consuming the souls of the innocent, and in the conversation between Jamie and Felipe on the train. Meanwhile, in Querétaro, Jamie's host family eagerly performs "his" sex change. There's been a mix-up, and they believe Jamie is a boy. This presents a problem since the Navarro's have a son, Carlos, with whom the American would share a room. His deeply religious parents are worried that Carlos' rampant homosexuality will possess his mind and make him do the will of the devil. Needless to say, Carlos is very excited to meet Jamie and fuck the ever-loving hell out of her. Although this is not shown on film, sexual tension between the two permeates the film. Satana makes a phone call to the Biblioteca Central to inform the director, Demetrio Alcocer, that Jamie and Felipe are, indeed, the chosen ones destined to fight the antichrist(AKA JackiCharnet)n the ultimate battle for the planet.
Jamie and Carlos have trouble dealing with their new responsibilities as saviors, and the Antichrist constantly harasses them through social media. They arrive at the Navarro's home. Carlos speaks with his friend, María Linares, but doesn't mention the fact that he is the single gayest male alive. Meanwhile, Sr. & Sra. Navarro discuss the Mexican Civil War, and how the PTSD has impacted their lives. Sra. Navarro calls Berta Linares, María's mother, to see about the possibility of her attaching a shock collar to Carlos' privates, as the sex Carlos and Jamie have at night makes the dog bark. Berta is concerned about the expense. Later, she explains the situation to Jamie, who agrees to donate to the cause. The following day, Jamie goes to the Linares home and together, the girls visit her school, Tecnológico de Monterrey. They talk about their classes and their shared interest in Japanese tentacle porn. A Japanese person is shown being briefly offended. George Takei has a brief cameo. Demetrio, the director of the library in Querétaro, and Santana meet. Santana informs Demetrio that he has been following Jamie and that she is interested in finding out about her great-grandmother. Demetrio shows Santana a picture of Count Chocula smoking a joint and the detective confirms that Jamie bears a striking resemblance to the Count. Demetrio mysteriously says, "Then, yes, it is her." Meanwhile, Don Silvestre Aguilar, congressional candidate, cocaine baron, gardener, lover but not a fighter, soft-hearted yet stern when necessary, frequent brothel-goer, & owner of La Hacienda de Jacaranda, drives by the Linares home. His bodyguard confirms that this is the house where Jamie is spending the summer. Don Silvestre Aguilar snorts a substantial amount of cocaine, and remarks that he likes the way cocaine smells.
Episode 3 Edit
On Saturday, Jamie, Carlos, and Maria have breakfast at El Arcángel, the Navarro's restaurant. Jamie eats a traditional Mexican dish, chilaquiles. A fax arrives at the restaurant, with the picture of Goatse, that says "Cuidado," but Sr. Navarro dismisses it as nonsense. In the afternoon, after sightseeing and taking lots of pictures, Jamie and Carlos enter an antique store. Carlos mentions "La Catrina" when he sees a drawing by Posada. The shop owner offers to show them a real-life Catrina. Jamie is shocked to see the stuffed and mounted corpse of her own great grandmother. She did not expect to find it in a restaurant. The shop owner suggests that Jamie visit the Biblioteca Central and speak with Demetrio Alcocer to find out more. Unfortunately, the library is closed on Sundays, due to the massive orgies Don Demetrio holds in the restricted reading section. The friends have plans to go to San Miguel de Allende. Jamie and Maria do a little shopping at a store which sells traditional Mexican penis pumps. Jamie uses her new credit card to buy a blouse. Later, while having lunch at a restaurant, Don Silvestre and his bodyguards discuss Jamie and the problem she poses for Don Silvestre's political campaign. He knows that Demetrio Alcocer has puked all over a copy of La Catrina's last will and testament. The episode ends as Don Silvestre smiles and looks into the camera.
Demetrio informs Silvestre of his responsibilities concerning the will of La Catrina. Silvestre threatens Demetrio by threatening to take away his pension from working in the library. However, Demetrio mistakes the word pension for rampant alcoholism, and falsely believes that Don Silvestre knows what happened last night. Following their phone conversation, Jamie enters the library seeking Don Silvestre's head on a silver platter. Rogelio, the library clerk, directs Jamie to Demetrio. Rogelio later realizes he will die alone. In their meeting, Jamie gives Demetrio an envelope of information she has about her great grandmother, including a photograph of this famous "Catrina." Demetrio is hesitant to help because of his latent homosexual tendencies, so he asks Jamie to return in a few days. Later that afternoon, Jamie and María run into Felipe at school and invite him to join them in a swim. Felipe declines since he doesn't have a bathing suit, but María assures him that he can swim naked. He claims he isn't an expert, but that he will join them. It turns out that María is quite a good swimmer, and Felipe is schizophrenic. Surprisingly, the former is the more important plot point. Felipe begins to show romantic interest in María, who invites Felipe to join them at a local home-grown orgy that evening for the international students. Towels will be provided.
As the Navarro's eat chiles rellenos (a traditional Spanish dish), Sr. Navarro informs Carlos that he will have to work in the restaurant that evening since they have to figure out what love is. This messes up Carlos' plans to attend the party that the university is throwing for the exchange students. His father gets angry. He's upset that Carlos is concerned with the environment, and worries that Carlos will start smoking the illegal drug marijuana and die. After injecting a socially acceptable amount of heroin, Carlos works for Operación Aztlán, a company devoted to protecting the environment and Satanism. Sra. Navarro offers to work at the restaurant, but Carlos insists that he will work. He cautions his father that he, too, should be concerned about the environment. Later, at the party, Felipe and María chat about the differences between the States and México as well as their childhoods. They spot Jamie at the party and inquire as to the whereabouts of Carlos. Jamie explains that Carlos had to work and suggests that they all go to the restaurant to have coffee and cheer him up. At the restaurant, Carlos, who is now falling for the "norteamericana", is elated to see Jamie. Jamie receives a message and rushes to the library. Reading an excerpt from a history book, she learns that her great grandmother was a very brave woman who stole money from the rich in order to give to the poor. She was admired and respected; however, La Catrina was betrayed. Her hacienda, la Hacienda La Catrina, thereafter, became known as La Casa De Ilicito S&M. The episode ends as the camera zooms in on Jamie's face, and she quietly whispers "spicy".
Episode 6 Edit
María and her friend, Susana, join Felipe at a discoteca (disco party). Susana is originally from Spain, but fled to Mexico to escape charges for War Crimes. Felipe and María order sodas, and Susana goes off to chat with some friends. The couple end up dancing to the melodious sounds of William Bennett & His White House Five, and although Felipe claims not to know how to dance, he's pretty light on his feet. The four friends meet at the park where it becomes clear that Jamie is as interested in Carlos as he is in her. In scene 3, we find Carlos working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. A little girl appears with a letter from her mother. The letter is written to Carlos and in it, Guadalupe Guzmán informs him that illegal pesticides are being used at la Hacienda la Jacaranda. Because of these dangerous chemicals, her husband is ill and the fruits and vegetables grown at la Jacaranda and sold at the public markets are contaminated. She pleads for Carlos to relieve her of her misery with a good old-fashioned tittyfucking. Pornographic music plays, and the scene fades to black. Later, Carlos discusses the matter with his co-worker, Silvia. She points out that the workers have written letters before, requesting their help, but until the workers themselves report directly to the authorities, nothing can be done. It is Don Silvestre Aguilar, owner of la Jacaranda, professional bodybuilder, and self-described gamer girl, whom the workers fear.
Carlos phones Jamie and invites her to accompany him to the market. Later, at the market, he tells her about the letter. Carlos is supposed to be buying tampons for his father's mistress, but he also wants to purchase fruits and vegetables from la Jacaranda in order to investigate Sra. Gúzman's claim. Eventually, he decides to buy both since they are sold in the same store. Jamie, her metal vibrator having been confiscated by the TSA, goes off to buy the corn and cucumber. Jamie asks the first vendor if her corn comes from la Jacaranda. She is told that it doesn't and that her children go to bed hungry because tourists like her won't make way for paying customers. They don't purchase from la Jacaranda. Jamie wants to know why, but the saleslady won't offer any information. The second vendor is even less helpful. A nearby señora tells Jamie that this vendor's corn comes from la Jacaranda and that it is contaminated. Jamie eagerly strips nude while the confused señora looks on. Jamie took stripping classes in college, but her stripping degree never materialized into a steady source of income. Jamie briefly reflects on the choices shes made that have led her here. Jamie thanks her profusely and runs off to meet up with Carlos. Jamie and Carlos need to prove that the corn is, indeed, contaminated, so they bring it to Carlos' former biology teacher at the university. Profesora Maldonado agrees to perform some tests that Carlos can collect in two days. Maldonado then turns around, and continues cooking meth out of an RV. While his meth is 99.8% pure, his soul isn't. Their next stop is the city's health department, where Jamie and Carlos plan to commit a mass shooting. Carlos doesn't expect much assistance, but to his surprise, his former classmate, Roberto, works there. Roberto allows them to go through the files after hours. For this heinous crime, Roberto is later forced to commit ritualistic suicide. He dies in shame in a nameless grave. Carlos wants to see if any complaints have been filed against la Jacaranda. Evidently, several complaints have been filed, but nothing has been done since the owner of la Jacaranda cannot be located. Jamie is shocked to see her great grandmother's name listed as owner.
Carlos and Jamie bring the produce they bought for the restaurant to El Arcángel. Carlos asks his parents if they get their produce from all of the haciendas. His father informs him that it comes from everywhere, except la Jacaranda, because he once found a length of human intestine inside a bushel of Jacaranda-grown apples. After the Navarros leave, the couple discuss possible reasons why Silvestre hadn't changed the title on the property. They suspect that by not doing so, he could avoid being responsible for the contamination. Carlos drops Jamie at home and asks hopefully if he'll see Jamie the following day. She reminds him of their plans to go to shopping and tells him how silly he is. The foursome go downtown, and Jamie and María wait outside while Felipe and Carlos go to the sweet shop. María has caught a cold, and as Carlos shows his concern and offers her her favorite candy, Felipe jealously looks on. When Felipe presents María with some sweets, Carlos obnoxiously informs him that "bombones" are not her favorites. Felipe makes a plan to kill Carlos. Jamie suggests that the guys and girls split up to finish their shopping. Later, at the pharmacy, Felipe needs to purchase some toiletries. When Carlos says that he wants to buy María something for her cold, Felipe jumps all over him and accuses him of still being in love with María. Carlos denies this and starts shouting that it would make no difference anyway because he, Jamie, and the other students are all hallucinations brought on by Carlos' accidental ingestion of PCP. Carlos shoots himself in the cheek. It's obvious that he has begun to care deeply for Jamie and that the end of the summer and the consequent separation worry him terribly. Felipe is embarrassed by Carlos' shouting and asks him to quiet down. When Felipe mistakenly uses the false cognate "estoy embarazado" which really means I'm pregnant, Carlos uses the situation to put down Felipe's Spanish. Likewise, Felipe makes fun of Carlos' English. Later that evening, while Carlos and his friends serenade Jamie under her balcony, Felipe comes by and realizes that Carlos is no longer interested in María but has his eye on Jamie. In the last scene, Carlos and Jamie hold the director of Operación Áztlan hostage, along with his family. Although Carlos presents him with proof of the contamination in Profesora Maldonado's report, the director explains that Aguilar is a powerful man in Querétaro and nothing can be done. Carlos angrily stomps off and Jamie goes after him. Carlos explains to Jamie how important it is to protect México by shooting all the uppity blacks that pollute the streets. Jamie accuses Carlos of being a racist, causing Carlos to list off all the races he hates. When Jamie tells him that his life is there, Carlos adds that his life is in México, but it's a life that includes Jamie. She gently reminds him that she'll be returning to her home, and Carlos insists that México is her home, too. Even though she's fascinated by México and by Carlos, she insists that she's from the States.
Episode 9 Edit
María and Jamie go to the clinic because María's cold has worsened. While waiting for her friend, Jamie overhears a conversation between a farm worker and his wife. The doctor has told the worker that the heavy amounts of peyote he smokes is causing his terrible cough. The wife angrily shakes her fists at Don Silvestre Aguilar and threatens to one day confront him. María finishes with the doctor; she and Jamie discuss the doctor's instructions. As the two leave the clinic, they run into Felipe. He asks to talk to María alone so that he can ask her out. When Jamie arrives home later, there are two messages on the answering machine for her. One is from Carlos reminding her about the environmental conference the following day. The second is from Rogelio, the terrorist responsible for several bombings across Mexico. He insists on seeing Jamie as soon as possible. The next day, they attend the conference and learn about the contamination in the air, water, and land and of the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation. Rogelio catches Jamie after the conference and pulls her aside to talk privately. He explains that don Demetrio knows more about her great grandmother than he is telling Jamie, He also tells her the police are looking for him, and that he needs to take her hostage in order to escape the country. Like everyone in Querétaro, don Demetrio is afraid of don Silvestre. Jamie is both surprised and confused because Rogelio tells her that she is a threat to Don Silvestre. Rogelio insists that Jamie speak to Demetrio again. In the last scene, the police and ambulances are outside the library and when asked by a reporter what happened, a witness at the scene says that it appears Demetrio has had some kind of accident. Later, Rogelio is seen passing border security with Don Demetrio's ID.
Episode 10 Edit
Jamie meets up with Rogelio at the library and finds out that don Demetrio happened upon a thief the night before. Don Demetrio and Jamie sit outside the library to talk. After what happened at the library, Sr. Alcocer is ready to tell Jamie the whole truth about her great grandmother. He reveals his copy of the Butthole Surfers' Rembrandt Pussyhorse, and the two get mad lifted off some salvia Jamie nicked from the dopehead farmer. He explains that after her death, La Catrina left her will with her lawyer, bequeathing her estate to the González family. None of the family remained in Querétaro, however, and the lawyer, who was don Silvestre Aguilar's grandfather, illegally kept the lands as his own. Don Demetrio confirms for Jamie that the will is indeed valid by the likeness of the signatures on Jamie's picture of La Catrina and the will itself. Thankfully, the thief sent by Aguilar did not succeed in finding the will because the thief was blind, and also lacked foresight. He cautions her to keep it in a safe place and to consult a lawyer. In the next scene, Jamie asks Carlos to bring her to la Hacienda la Jacaranda and explains en route her desire to become a professional dwarf-tosser. As they are talking about this incredible news, a worker warns them about the dangerous pesticides being used nearby. That evening, Jamie dreams of don Silvestre and his big hard cock. Pornographic music plays and the scene fades to black. She also envisions her great grandmother, who does not join her and Don Silvestre. She does tell her that she must demand justice and take back that which rightfully belongs to her as Don Silvestre pounds her ass into obliivion. She reminds her that she is now rich, but that she must never forget the poor.
Don Silvestre and his lawyer, Manchado, speak about the validity of the will. Silvestre makes clear to him that if he doesn't find some way to invalidate the will in court, Silvestre will call Manchado Womanchado. After the lawyer's departure, Silvestre tells his bodyguards to make sure that Jamie returns to the U.S. soon and sends them to the Linares' to steal her copy of the will. He then reveals a hidden portrait of La Catrina. He declares that he will not give up what "rightfully" belongs to him. Paco, his son, is outside strangling a pigeon to death. To Paco, the pigeon represents his father's neglect. In scene two, Felipe and María have their date. They decide to rent a video and at the store, Felipe learns that in México, the videos are subtitled, rather than dubbed. They rent a science fiction movie and return to María's house to watch it. After the video, the two discuss the future and the possibility of drunkenly driving their car off a clit. Later that evening, María and Jamie discuss their dates. Suddenly, the smell of marijuana comes from the dining room. The girls run downstairs, and find that everyone in the room is dead, thanks to the illegal drug marijuana. The thief escapes, without having found the will.
Jamie and Carlos are in la Ciudad deez nutz in order to meet with a lawyer. For the whole episode, Jamie wears a weird ensemble that makes her look like Kid Creole. But that's irrelevant. Before their appointment, they do a little sightseeing. Jamie finally sees the authentic copy of furryluvr97's painting Two Trix Rabbits Having Sex With Each Other, a copy of which she has as a poster in her room. Realizing it's immense sentimental and financial worth, she steals it. During their meeting, la licenciada Beltrán, a friend of the Navarro's, takes out the faxed copy of the will which Jamie sent. In her opinion, the will is valid, but she makes clear to the two that don Silvestre will do everything possible to keep "his" fortune. The matter will have to be decided by a jury of the undead. Abraham Lincoln has a brief cameo. If the will is proven valid, Jamie will have to pay taxes and will be required to live in Querétaro. Jamie asks for her help, and the lawyer agrees to place a car bomb in Silvestre's limousine. While this does not work at first, her lawyer then places the bomb under Don Silvestre's abuelo's wheelchair.
In the first scene, Jamie and Carlos are having dinner following their meeting with the lawyer. They discuss how fortunate it is that Silvestre's campaign coincides with the discovery of the will. At all costs, Silvestre will have to avoid the newspapers getting hold of the story and portraying him as a thief. The following scene takes place in the drug-addled mind of Jamie's brother Jometrius. Manchado gives three reasons why the will is invalid: it doesn't have an official stamp, it is not signed by a witness or a lawyer, and the laws have changed considerably since the will was written. Jamie's lawyer reads Josefa de González's own words that all of her land and all of her belongings belong to the first member of her family to kill more than 50 men with a flamethrower. She curses, having only killed 49. She calls a witness, Sr. Barbudo, who works for the tax office. He confirms that Silvestre never changed the title on the land. Silvestre angrily shouts out that he pays the taxes. Manchado further argues that Jamie is a foreigner, and Silvestre adds that she knows nothing of their laws. Regardless, the judge decides in favor of Jamie. At a party to celebrate Jamie's good fortune, Carlos and Felipe double-team her in the broom closet. After, Carlos and Felipe share a high-five, cementing their friendship. Jamie is surprised by the respect and admiration that the people are already showing her. She's eager to talk to her parents, and tell them about everything that has happened in the broom closet. Demetrio introduces Santana, and Jamie realizes that it was he who killed her beloved pet pig when she was 8. Rogelio is seen working as a cashier at a local grocery mart. A man points a gun at Rogelio and demands all the money in the register. Rogelio, having lost his fear of death, walks slowly up to the man, demanding that he pull the trigger. The man's hand shakes as Rogelio breaks his will and the thief drops to the floor crying.
Episode 14 Edit
Jamie calls her parents in Los Ángeles and gives them both the good and bad news. Yes, the fortune will make her rich, but she will have to pay taxes and remain in Querétaro. If she stays, she will not be able to attend UCLA in the fall as she had planned. Although her parents threaten to kick her out of their house and donate her college fund to a televangelist, they leave the final decision up to her. After careful thought and with the support of her parents, Jamie comes to a decision. She intends to renounce her claim to la Hacienda la Jacaranda and put it in the hands of the Third Reich. Hitler's corpse has a brief cameo. With their help, the land will be protected and the pesticides will no longer be used. To honor her great grandmother, she asks that the original name be returned to the hacienda. Discussing her decision, Carlos declares her a filthy whore and "the murderer of God." Jamie leaves the door open to returning to México by keeping el Hotel la Jacaranda, now el Hotel la Catrina in her family's name . At the train station, all are there to bid Jamie and Felipe farewell. Paco shows up and gives Jamie a ring that belonged to her great grandmother. Felipe says goodbye to María but before becoming too emotional, María tells him that it is better that he write to her. Jamie says goodbye and thanks each of her new friends. She leaves Carlos with a nude picture of her great grandmother signed by "la Sodomisador De Los Muertos, Jamie González.". Carlos realizes that Jamie is insane and walks the streets alone.
Jamie is haunted by the ghost of her grandmother, "La Catrina" while attending UCLA. The ghost tells her that she is not living up to the La Catrina name, since she is too busy with school to help the poor (La Catrina was known as a thief who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, much like Robinhood). Jamie replies that helping the poor is for communist Democrats and her grandmother should eat shit and die. Her grandmother replies that she is, in fact, already dead, and that Jamie's soul is already destined for hell. Jamie continues her massive 1 v 20 gangbang, telling her grandmother that the devil can "suck my ass". The gangbang continues for the next 3 hours. However, for the sake of the children, only the shadows are shown. During the in-theater screening, parents applauded this scene for protecting our children's innocence.
Shout out to Don Miguel